After you've been with your partner long enough, moving in together just feels like the natural next step — especially in a society where living together unmarried is more common than jumping straight into marriage. No matter how many partners you've lived with, each experience is unique and exciting in its own way. But while that's most certainly the case, that doesn't mean it is or even should be simple. As with every aspect of a relationship, it involves communication — and lots of it — especially before you decide whether or not moving in together is right for you and your partner. Without communicating even the tiniest details, you could end up with some regrets about taking this major step.
"All of this is so very critical because the novelty of moving in together last about a week," Joshua Klapow, PhD, clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show. "Once the logistics kick in, it becomes about compromise, desire, individual needs, wants, fears, and habits."
Because life is far too short for regrets, especially when it comes to someone you're sharing your life with, sitting down and seriously discussing things ahead of time is a must. Here are eight discussions you absolutely need to have, according to experts.
1. You’ve Talked About Finances — All Of Them
"Talking about finances is hardly romantic. But worse than that is the reality that you're the one shouldering the entire rent and utilities. So while it might be uncomfortable to have a preliminary discussion about your financial expectations now, guaranteed it will be far worse if left neglected."
From student loans you've yet to pay off, credit card debt, who makes what, who will pay for what, how bills will be divided — all of it must be, literally, laid out on the table. You don't want to find out months into living together that your partner can't pay their share because Fanny Mae has come to collect on their outstanding loans.
2. You’ve agreed on a budget.
Who doesn’t love Zillow stalking, drooling over your dream home? But when it comes time to find new digs—especially with your partner—you have to burst the fantasy bubble. Before you start going to open houses, it’s important to have an honest conversation about your price range, and how much you’re willing to spend on rent (or a mortgage). It’s the only way to manage your partner’s expectations.
3. Why You're Moving In Together
Sure, moving in together knocks one rent out of the equation and condenses two sets of utility bills, but the end of your lease doesn’t automatically equal move-in time. Jessica Massa, author of The Gaggle: How the Guys You Know Will Help You Find the Love You Want, warns, “You have to say with 100% confidence that moving in together has nothing to do with your finances.”
"Hopefully, you're both on the same page as to 'why' you're moving in together," says Winter. "Nothing is worse than discovering the person you thought was [head-over-heels] about you actually wanted to lower their overhead."
Winter suggests asking each other why moving in together is the right decision for the here and now: Is it about intimacy? Is it the next milestone? Is this a trial period before tying the knot? You need to know the why and be in agreement on that why.
4. You’ve already practised cohabiting.
Are you spending four or five nights a week together (hopefully without too much midweek back-and-forth, to stay pandemic safe)? Good, says Amy Laurent, who wrote 8 Weeks to Everlasting: A Step-by-Step Guide to Getting (and Keeping!) the Guy You Want. “You should be getting a sense of what it’s like to be waking up to your partner every day before you move in together.” If you’re thinking about merging your living spaces but haven’t done a trial run yet, Laurent suggests giving it a go, especially if you’re used to spending only a night or two together now.
5. How You'll Handle The Day-To-Day Of Living Together
"In the excitement of moving in together, couples can lose sight of clarifying their day-to-day functionality," says Winter. "Have you talked about who does what? Do you both share in the household chores equally? Or do each of you have your own areas of preference?"
Winter says that while it might seem trivial to have this discussion about sharing chores prior to moving in together after you do start sharing a place together, you'll realize just how un-trivial the discussion was.
"While the glow is still warm and fuzzy, talk reality," says Winter. "Don't leave anything up to your partner's assumption. The same holds true for you."
6. What's Important To You When It Comes To How You Live
What people consider "comfortable" living varies greatly. While some are content to sleep on a mattress that's on the floor, others, after a certain age, wouldn't dream of it. Some want a TV in the bedroom, others don't like the idea.
How you each live and see yourselves living together is a discussion that matters.
"This is the time to brainstorm and work as a team," says Winter. "Come to some basic agreements now, and know that you can alter and amend them at a later date as needed."
7.You have a plan for sharing expenses.
So you’ve got your rent situation down, but what about utilities? Maybe your partner takes much longer showers or sleeps with the television on—racking up large water and electric bills. Or you have totally different tastes in food and what you’d like to stock the fridge with. Before this causes a fight, come up with a game plan for how you’ll divvy up expenses. When you first move in, you might agree to a 50-50 split with plans to check in three months or to split things proportionally to your income.
8. What Will Be The Policy About Having Friends And Family Over
Let's be honest: You're not going to love all of your partner's friends, just like they're not going to love every one of your friends. Then, once you throw in the dynamics of each other's families, you have a whole set of issues that need to be ironed out before you even start looking for that perfect place to start your life together.
"You may think it's great to have your college roommate come to visit and crash on the couch, but does your partner feel the same way?" asks Winter. "And what about your partner's friends? Now that [they're] living with you, does that mean their friends are free to come and hang out like they did before you shared a home?"
Your relationship and your friendships shouldn't suffer just because not everyone in your life meshes the way you wish they would, so coming up with rules well in advance is essential.
"Make it a policy that whenever people want to come to the house," says Winter, "you'll discuss it with each other first."
9. You can deal with each other’s mess.
Guess what? Living with a messy person won’t make a tidy person messier, and living with a tidy person won’t make a messy person tidier. You’ll just annoy each other. That is, unless you decide to make compromises and accept each other’s levels of organization and cleanliness. It’s an ongoing, and often annoying, conversation, but it has to happen. And it’s especially important during the pandemic to make sure you have at least compatible safety standards. Do all dirty masks go straight in the hamper, or are you leaving them on the couch? You need a plan.
10.You don’t feel like you’re rushing into it.
If you feel pressure to move in from anyone (your parents, your friends, your partner—even yourself), you may not be ready. “Anytime there’s a big, uncomfortable question mark, figure out how to take some time and make it work,” says Massa. She suggests finding an alternative, such as waiting a year or compromising by moving closer to each other. “If it’s even a question, just wait.” We’re all extra lonely right now, but you should take this step because it’s right, not because you’re scared about the pandemic.
Comentarios